Saturday, March 10, 2007

No, not Newt

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich stuck his big toe in the water, causing speculation that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2008.

Surprisingly, soon after his public appearance a photo diary surfaced that chronicles just what Newt has been up to since leaving Congress in 1999.

Here is what the diary revealed:

A frequent guest speaker on college campuses nationwide, Newt is the envy of young Republicans desperate to find out how a paunchy, white-haired old man can hook up with so many women!

Here Newt is sharing tips with an eager young student ...

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Probing further to discover the secret behind Gingrich's success with the ladies, the student soon learns ...

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... that power is the real aphrodisiac!

Craving power once again, and recognizing the need to shore up his conservative base, Gingrich realizes he is going to have to change his evil ways. He sets out to win back Religious Right conservatives, which are the backbone of the Republican party.

Gingrich arranges to meet with Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, and agrees to answer tough questions about his personal life.

DOBSON: "So how many wives and mistresses have you actually had ...?"

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Newt gets a slap on the wrist from Dobson, for forcing his first wife to sign their divorce papers from her hospital bed -- where she was being treated for cancer.

And another slap for cheating on his second wife with one of his staffers -- while leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton (well, that part was okay) for lying about having sex.

Dobson tells Gingrich he must promise to change his ways.

Always up for a challenge, Newt falls back on the old and familiar ... a Republican standing in front of an American flag!

Gingrich promises he will never even look at another woman again.

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Not quite satisfied, Dobson (experienced in dealing with fallen Evangelicals) makes Newt double promise!

Feeling empowered by their meeting, Newt sets off on the campaign trail. Booking air time with Sean and Russert ... making the round of rubber chicken dinners and photo ops ... Newt is making a date with 2008...

When suddenly, a familiar voice begins whispering in his ear. The faint sounds are egging him on.

It's the same little devil that has gotten an old man in trouble so many times before.

Never one to back away from a dare, Newt's eyes scan the audience and without hesitation Newt says ...

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